It’s 4:30 a.m. and I awaken with a start. I listen for a second wondering what woke me. My toddler is snoring softly beside me and the two of us are warm and comfy snuggled together. I can hear Joshua breathing through the baby monitor and the gurgling of Caleb’s turtle tank filter.

Lines from a blog post I had read the night before are swirling around in my head. I hadn’t agreed with the post and yet I hadn’t had a good answer as to why. These restless thoughts must have been tumbling around in my head all night. I need to get up. The only way to get them out is to put them on paper.

With coffee in hand, I reach beside the piano to turn on the Christmas lights. Yes, I still have Christmas lights on my piano. I love the soft glow in the early morning. I settle into my favorite recliner and am surprised at the force of my thoughts. I’m even more surprised that the force is generated by my own doubts.

There is a common voice when listening to others who are hurting. We blame God for the pain and suffering in this world. Even long time Christians are guilty of it.

Why do we blame him? Is it because He is all powerful, creator of all and is the only one with the ability to control what happens in our lives? We do not have that control and are often left feeling helpless and fearful.

I think we expect our ever loving, wonderful God to keep us from pain and suffering. When bad things happen, we blame Him because He alone has the power to prevent it.

My own pain and suffering

I hesitate to talk about this.

A song by Riley Clemmons is running through my head.

[Verse 1]
I’ve been taught how to talk to You
Hold it together
Make the bad look better
Say all the words that I’m supposed to
Bow my head, say, “Amen”
Yeah, that’ll do
Making every dead-end look like heaven
Like being okay is the way to reach You

[Pre-Chorus 1]
But You’re not afraid of all the things I feel
So why am I afraid of being real?

[Chorus 1]
You want my tears, every messy word
Every scar and every fear
You want all I have
With no holding back
When I’m hurt, at my worst
You meet me there
‘Cause You see the beauty
In my broken prayers!
In my broken prayers!

The struggle inside rages stronger than I’d like to confess. The hurt, anger, fear. I grew up in the church. I was taught from a child that Jesus loves me. I’ve prayed and believed that God would keep me and my family safe for the past 30 some years.

My faith has never been tested like it is right now.

Week after week I write blog posts about my journey. I copy verses, encourage you in hope, and be as honest as possible. I want you to feel that you are not alone on your path through life.

Perhaps it is time for you to know that you are not alone in your doubt.

You are not alone in your broken prayers. You don’t have to pretend to have the faith to move mountains when you are broken inside. You don’t have to proclaim “God is good” when you blame Him for taking your child or your husband or your mother.

If you could take a step back and look at this from a different angle, I think it might help. We have another spiritual being to consider here.

What about satan?

Where is satan in this whole concept? We need to remember that we live in a fallen world. Adam and Eve chose to sin, They chose to disobey God. Satan is to blame for our pain and suffering, not God. We do not credit him nearly enough.

I think we keep him out of the equation because the idea of a loving God is much more inviting than an evil arch enemy. Isn’t that what he is, though? An arch enemy?

We question the concept that bad things happen to good people. Of course they do! Bad things happen to everyone. God is not up in heaven playing some kind of chess game with our lives.

Didn’t God create for us a beautiful world? There was no death, there was no anxiety or fear, there was no pain and suffering.

This was all brought upon us by sin and the evil tempter.

Why are we blaming God when He did nothing but create perfection?

Myths cause us to blame God. Have you ever heard the expression, “God wanted _____ with Him in heaven” or “heaven needed another angel”? I dislike both of these statements! Heaven did not need another angel. God did not take my Rebekah because He wanted her there with Him.

My beautiful daughter died because death was brought into the world when sin entered. I know it sounds blunt, but it’s true. Pain and suffering is a result of the fallen world-nothing else.

Does God have the power to intervene in this fallen world? Absolutely and often does. While it is hard for us to understand why things happen the way they do, we need to keep in mind that we see such a small portion of what is going on around us.

I guess that is where faith comes in.

Who is satan anyway?

Ezekiel 28 says “You were the anointed cherub who covers,
And I placed you there.
You were on the holy mountain of God;
You walked in the midst of the stones of fire.
“You were blameless in your ways
From the day you were created
Until unrighteousness was found in you.
 “By the abundance of your trade
You were internally filled with violence,
And you sinned;
Therefore I have cast you as profane
From the mountain of God.
And I have destroyed you, O covering cherub,
From the midst of the stones of fire.
“Your heart was lifted up because of your beauty;
You corrupted your wisdom by reason of your splendor.
I cast you to the ground;

Isaiah 14 tells the same story.

“How you are fallen from heaven, O Day Star, son of Dawn! How you are cut down to the ground, you who laid the nations low!  You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly in the far reaches of the north; I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’ But you are brought down to Sheol, to the far reaches of the pit.  Those who see you will stare at you and ponder over you: ‘Is this the man who made the earth tremble, who shook kingdoms,  who made the world like a desert and overthrew its cities, who did not let his prisoners go home?'”

We see him in the garden in Genesis 3, tempting Eve. It is his plan to destroy God’s creation.

1 Peter 5:8 says “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:”

We can’t take God out of the equation all together.

Last week I wrote “Ten Verses to Help us be Confident in God’s Love”

I believe these verses with all my heart. I know that God walks with us through the pain and suffering.

Let’s talk about the story of Lazarus. This story shows God’s love for mankind in a special way.

When Jesus went to raise Lazarus, he had a plan. He purposely waited until Lazarus had died because he had a greater miracle in store. One that would show his true power over death.

When he saw Mary and Martha mourning and all of Lazarus’s friends weeping, he also cried. Why? He knew that he was about to bring Lazarus back to them. Why would he cry?

Because he felt the pain and suffering of those around him. He understood the pain brought on by sin-the very sin he was soon to free us all from.

He was witnessing the full extent of fallen man.

Why didn’t God intervene with my Rebekah like he did with Lazarus?

I don’t know. Maybe I should have figured that out before pouring my doubts out for everyone to read. I DO know that He has a plan for my life just like He did with Lazarus and His compassion toward me is great.

The Bible tells us that this fallen world will be restored and we have a hope that is greater than our doubt.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away Revelation 21:4

So, dear friend, take my hand and we will walk through the doubt together into the hope of a promised day.

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