Rebekah’s Heart

Every night Rebekah and I would play this game.  As I tucked her into bed, she would say, “I love you” and I would say, “I love you more”.  She would then say, “No, I love you more!” and we would go back and forth several times as I kissed each of my kiddos and pulled the blankets up to their chins.

I would give anything to play this game again.

She meant it.  She really did love me.  She loved me in the same large, unreserved way that she felt all of her feelings.  That blond-haired princess of mine was all sunshine or all rainclouds.  There was no in between.  She felt her feelings with everything inside of her petite frame.  Occasionally, her anger at her brothers boiled out of her mouth like a volcano.  One expression of her love for me are the pictures she drew every day- little girls and puppies, flowers and stars, monkeys in a cage, always with “I love you Mom” in bright letters scrawled across the top.  Never small letters in the lower right corner.  Always bold, to be sure I didn’t miss it.

The evening before Brett’s trips would find her lying in her room drawing a picture to put in his suitcase.  She would try to hide it to surprise him when he got to his hotel room.  They must have been a ray of sunshine in an otherwise impersonal space away from home.  A piece of us, a piece of the hearts he was away from, a piece of a little girl who couldn’t wait for him to come back to her.

After Joshua was born via c-section, I was in a lot of pain and our first floor bathroom was out of commission.  Rebekah would hold my hand as I walked up the steps, one slow step after another.  She waited on me hand and foot, bringing me water and chocolates before I even knew I wanted them.  She slept next to me and woke up smiling with each of Joshua’s tiny squawks.

Joshua was her pride and joy.  She beamed as she bragged to friends about his latest milestone or antic.  She snuggled on the couch with him and read to him, bribed him into eating his green beans, and danced around the house with him.  He followed her faithfully and did everything she did, growing in the love she poured into him.

At 17 months apart Rebekah and Caleb were the best of friends and the worst of enemies.  They chased each other through the house as soon as she could crawl.  They would throw the pots and pans out of the cupboard and then climb in and shut the doors while giggling ‘Come and find us!!’.  They challenged each other to run faster, ride their bikes harder, and climb the tall pine tree higher.  They built stores and restaurants out of legos, laughing the whole time.  They fought when Rebekah didn’t want to play outside or when Caleb attacked her Barbies with his fleet of plastic insects.  She spit hurtful words, he stomped and slammed his door.  They were learning lessons we all have to learn, in a safe place and with each other where they knew they would be loved no matter what they did or said.

She would try to make Micah shapes out of pancakes.  The hearts she could do but the dog took a bit of imagination to see.  She was the one he went to when he had a knot in his shoe or couldn’t open a box of cereal.  She was always there for him, encouraging him on.

We have a huge hole in our family now.  All of her energy, her affection, her enthusiasm, is missing.  We are all struggling to know what to do with that hole.

Maybe Rebekah is teaching me something.  She’s telling me to love big, to stop being cautious and concerned about what other people think.  She’s teaching me to pour my heart into my friends, neighbors, family, and those I’ve only just met.  It is no mistake that the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself.  I have only begun to understand what that means.

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14 thoughts on “Rebekah’s Heart”

  1. I am reading this a few years after you wrote this, but nonetheless I am crying. I recognize what a blessing she is (the beauty and value God brought into this world through your little girl never goes away) and how painful it would be to have her taken away. God is good, trustworthy and soo very wise. Thankfully we know Rebekah is even more alive now (in the presence of Jesus) than she was here on earth. What an impact she is still having on people like me, reading the beautiful words that make her come to life right before me as I was reading… You are an amazing mother, and I pray you are constantly comforted by God, on those days when the pain darts back in and could easily take away from the light your life is to those of us who find your writings. I found this blog as I was praying and searching for the verses I’m Matthew, about building our lives on the Rock, so I know God wanted me to see this and lift you and your family up in prayer. Even though years have passed, I know life here on this earth is far from easy and we all need strengthening and encouragement. You are a powerful breath of fresh air and an encourager! You are embodying what we are supposed to do with difficult and painful seasons (what enemy meant for evil, God will use for good) – you are truly thwarting what the enemy wanted to do to your family and instead, you are helping others to hang in there as well. Thank you!

    1. Thank you for hearing my heart and taking the time to connect and pray for me. Your words have touched me deeply and I know God used you to remind me of His love and peace as well as to bring me comfort.

  2. sharing a loss is one of the hardest things to do and more so when it’s your own child Heather my prayer for you is the Lord strengthen you and continues to use you to share this gift what an amazing Lord we have and how He loves us, thank you for your ministry and just think one day all will be revealed.

  3. Beautiful memories of a beautiful child. I have tears for you. So thankful that you know Jesus, and He has carried you through these hard days. Such hard days. Yet, just knowing you will see her again is a heart celebration. Hugs!

    1. Thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to get to know her. That means a lot. She was beautiful and some days are still very difficult. At least I have peace knowing that she is surrounded by God’s love and her spirit is at rest.

  4. My heart aches for you and your family as I lost my son almost 2 years ago. He was 39 soon to be 40, and it was an unexpected death. I don’t think we ever get over the pain just learn to deal with it. Maybe that’s not the right words, I just know a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him, as I’m sure you think of your little girl. I know God has helped me with the hurt, and hoping one day I’ll be able to laugh and rejoice in him being with the Lord.

    1. I am sorry for your loss! This is a difficult path to be on, one we would never choose for ourselves. May our Lord continue to bring you healing and surround you with His love and peace. Thank you for taking the time to get to know my Rebekah. It means a lot.

  5. My husband passed away a year ago after suffering a major stroke 5 years before… and although he amazed doctors who said he would probably never be able to eat, speak or walk he eventually could eat and speak ( with difficulty). His favorite scripture was Isiah 40:31 and this morning I wanted to have a more personal deeper understanding of that verse. God directed me to your story about the eagle on the side of the road and just wanted to thank you for allowing the Lord to use you. I am a grandmother of 11 and think your life lessons for families of school age children would certainly be a tool I would have used when I had young children (of course… back in the day………a computer is what?!!) Thank you??

    1. Charmain, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that life changed dramatically for you and your husband after his stroke and I can see that you relied heavily on God to make it through that difficult time (and the grief that continues to hurt your heart). May God continue to bring you peace and joy and comfort your whole family. Thank you so much for checking out my site and for your encouraging words. They mean a lot!

  6. This is such a great post. I read it back last January, but it is so fitting to reread it on Rebekah’s birthday. Oh how she loved with her whole heart, mind, soul & strength. An example for us all. (((Hugs))) to you all.

    1. She was definitely the princess of the family. Sometimes she would try to boss me around and I’d tell her not to forget that she might be the princess of the family, but I’m still the queen. We would always laugh about that. I miss her terribly.

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Hi, I am Heather! I am a mom of five, homeschooler, homesteader, and lover of all things chocolate. I am excited to share your faith and parenting journeys with you. Whether you are here looking to grow your faith, heal from loss, find homeschool resources, or hope to find inspiration in raising godly children, you are in the right place. So, grab your favorite hot beverage, curl up in your comfy chair, and stay awhile.

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