For days now I have been trying to write something encouraging. I’ve been trying to put my feelings and experiences into a neat little package and present it to you all in a positive way.
I can’t. Not this week. Today I will simply release my feelings in the messy mixed up way they are circling inside of me. Circling is probably a good way to put it. Churning, constantly moving, always overwhelming me as I try to take control. A flooded river spinning around rocks, pulling along debris, bubbling and foaming. I am constantly pushing down the hurt, fear, and sadness.
Ah, the constant sadness. For those of you who have experienced it, I’d like to know if it ever goes away? Will I ever look at pictures of my beautiful little girl and smile rather than cry? Will the memories some day bring me joy rather than feeling like I’ve cut myself?
What about the fear? My other constant companion. Which of my children will be the next to go? I’ve become protective of them to the point where I am constantly saying “no” as I’m imagining a danger that might lurk behind every “yes”. I check on each one before going to sleep at night and watch them breathe. We made it through another day. They are safe.
Do I dare dream for them? Should I not look into the future and pray that they become strong men of God, loving their wives and working hard for their families? Did you know Rebekah had planned how many children she would have? She even had names for them. I was supposed to be there when she had her babies, but instead, I buried her at 8 years old. Eight!
The overwhelming tiredness. The weight of this burden is simply too much. Trying to work through the grief myself and take care of the boys and my hubby. Am I there for them? Am I supporting them, loving them, helping them enough? I’m trying to push past my own feelings and embrace theirs which leaves me carrying their burdens as well. I’m exhausted from it all.
Each holiday, birthday, “fun” day. Our routines, activities, chores, and projects. I’ve tried to keep life consistent for them as I felt that is what they needed. We talk about our sadness, loneliness, and anger. I don’t hide it from them because I know if I have these feelings than they must also. I want more than anything for them to be happy and healthy, but how can I help them when I’m not happy or healthy myself?
At three years old, Joshua has an obsession with death. He talks about it constantly. He points it out in movies, asks if he’s going to die when he skins his knee and worried about Joel when we had to take him to the hospital (he’s fine, it wasn’t anything scary). He visits the cemetery with me but still thinks Rebekah is at the church where we had her service. I try to explain that she’s not, but he’s convinced that she is somewhere and he’s just waiting for her to return.
Micah is afraid he’s going to die. He brings it up often. Six-year-olds should be thinking about scoring at their soccer game and building forts in the backyard, not death. He’s also expressive about how it makes him sad that I am sad. He snuggles up to me often and I know he’s trying to comfort me in his own way. How do I be a good mom to him when I’m this broken inside? Someone tell me how I’m supposed to do this?
Caleb doesn’t talk much about Rebekah. He’s still choosing to avoid rather than feel. The one thing he will say is that he’s lonely without her. They were best friends and fierce competitors. I am sure he is lonely without her. I try to keep a steady supply of playdates scheduled for him with various friends and his cousins have helped him in ways they will never know. I don’t know what else to do for him.
Now, friends, I can almost hear some of you thinking that I need to go back and read the verses from my previous posts. Yes, I probably should, but not today. Today I need to mourn because my heart is broken and there is no way to fix it.
I feel as if I should apologize for the awful post. I am not putting pictures in it, nor will I spend the next 20 minutes prettying it up. Hopefully, all of my teacher friends will not be critical of my grammar and I don’t think I will put this on Pinterest. Who wants to scroll through recipes and fun activities and come across this depressing post?
I will be back later in the week with something encouraging, but today I need your prayers.