Yesterday, I drove out to visit Rebekah and water her flowers. I had hung a basket of petunias covered in purple blossoms the week before. She would have liked them. The second I pulled up, I noticed the deer had eaten them-all. Somehow it was an answer to a question I’d been asking myself the past few days. Does grief ever go away?

No, it doesn’t.

Does Grief Ever Go Away?

How can deer grazed petunias have anything to do with grief?

Oddly enough it is similar to my reality. Every day I go about life. The kids and I are enjoying the summer. We’ve been playing outside, working in the garden and flower beds, and having picnics at the park.

Caleb came running into the house exclaiming that he just saw a monarch butterfly lay eggs on the underside of a milkweed leaf. The baby robin now sits next to his nest, speckled and wide-eyed, as his mom comes and goes bringing him insects. The baby swallows are chirping loudly and keeping both of their parents busy.

Life is all around us.

And yet my daughter is not. Her life is not here. Just like the beautiful basket of purple petunias that had been and now are not.

Yes, I am still Struggling with Grief

So, I ask again, does grief ever go away? Can enjoying life end the grief? Can new life and experiences bring an end to the hurt?

No, I don’t think so.

This is the most depressing post I’ve written in a while. Most days I am able to be light-hearted, but it is something about the changing of the seasons, that brings back memories stronger or maybe the absence shouts louder.

I have written multiple posts about how God helps us through these hard times. I have poured out my hurt, doubt, anxiety, and fears to all of you. Today, I would like you to realize something.

Your grieving friend is still hurt.

I don’t necessarily mean me. Take a glance around you. Your dad, your sister, your friend, your cousin, your neighbor. We are all scarred by the cruelty of this world. Life knocks us down, we get up to fight another day, but we remain hurt.

Yes, I am still struggling with grief.

How to Overcome Grief?

I remember when I understood the concept of brokenness. Ann Voskamps’s book, “The Broken Way” played a huge part in that understanding. She talks about how we are all broken and by communing with each other in that brokenness we are communing with Christ in his brokenness on the cross.

BUT Christ did not stay broken. He resurrected, giving us salvation, new life, and communion with God.

Why then, am I still so broken? Is there a hidden secret I must uncover to teach me how to overcome grief?

Perhaps it is not so much about how to overcome grief as it is how to accept it. How to accept that the hurt forever remains?

My word for the year is “embrace” and I have embraced quite a bit. I have accepted my fears and anxieties and have been able to stand up to some of them. I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone and embraced new challenges. My kids have encouraged me to slow down and embrace their lives and new experiences, which has been wonderful for my heart.

Maybe we need to embrace grief in order to heal from it. What if embracing the fact that we will always be hurt and not resisting it brings us peace? Can we overcome grief?

Overwhelming Grief is Not Forever

I want to be sure you understand that my whole family has moved past the deep overwhelming grief. We are not where we were even a year ago. That is not what I’m talking about here.

For those of you who are in that stage of overwhelming grief, I want you to know that it does not last forever.

I remember people telling me the same thing and I couldn’t believe them. It feels impossible to live through such pain and not die. My early posts are raw with overwhelming pain and emotion. I have trouble going back and reading them.

The overwhelming grief did lessen for me and it will for you too.

The Pain of Losing a Child Never Goes Away

People tell me that the pain of losing a child never goes away, but I can’t see how the pain of losing ANYONE ever goes away. What is it about losing someone that keeps us broken?

The reality of our frailty, our vulnerability, our inability to control the bad in the world and the fear that it will happen again. The love that remains, constantly searching for the soul it was meant to fill.

Pain of Loss Quotes

Usually, I fill posts with encouraging Bible verses for you all, but over the past 21 months, I have read some beautiful quotes about the pain of loss. I think it goes back to the concept of us all communing in our brokenness because there is something comforting about reading quotes written by a pen that understands.

Before I end this post I would like to include a few “pain of loss” quotes which have an amazing ability to explain, better than I can, what we feel.

“When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meaning

“My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.” Jandy Nelson, The Sky is Everywhere

“In the English language there are orphans and widows, but there is no word for the parents who lose a child.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

I Ask Again- Does Grief Ever Go Away?

We learn to accept the pain and embrace life, but no, the hurt never goes away.

I challenge you today, to not only embrace your own hurt, but embrace the hurt of someone you know. Hug them tight, pray for them, or write them a note. Commune in brokenness with someone who needs to know they are not alone.

I cannot end this without a reminder of hope!

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4 NKJV)

I had not intended to but I wrote a second part to this post. God showed me something encouraging and beautiful. “She Still Lives: Bible Verses about Heaven after Death.

Here are a few more loss posts you might like to read. Writing about Rebekah was/is amazingly healing for me.

The Song that Came to Pass

Emotions are all I have to Share